1 thing, or possibly less.

Here is a very short post, just in case you fancy a bit of Aimless reading and you can't be arsed to read the massive post below.

I had a dream last night that I was trying to chat up Jo from S-club 7*. It was going pretty well and she told me her real name was May and not actually Jo, but then I was informed that she was an enemy spy and I had to chase her around a model of a desert village and try to shoot her with an automatic rifle.

I'm struggling to find the message hidden in that one.


*I'd just like to point out that I am not and never have been attracted to Jo from S-club 7, not when I was a hormone-driven teenager who would tend to want to boff anything without an adam's apple, and certainly not when she went on Big Brother and revealed herself as the rough Essex tart that she is**.


**I don't watch Big Brother either, but it's hard to avoid finding out what happens on it.

8 things, apparently.

Hey, look at me, an active part of the bloggy community and everything! Clive a.k.a Kitchentable (i'm not doing one of those linky coloured text things, follow the link over there >> the one predictably labelled Kitchentable) has passed on and asked me to fill out this list of seven lists of eight things (keep up).

If it had been sent to me by email it would probably have gone the same way as all the lottery win notifications and penis enlargement adverts I get, but as this blog thing is still all shiny and new and exciting to me, I will do my duty and fill it out.

Bit late I know, but, well, I can't even think of a reason why I should apologise for that, so nerr.

Here goes:

8 things I’m passionate about:

1. Rachel, blimey I'd get in trouble if I forgot that one. err, not that I would of course. Ahem.

2. Climbing. It's not got old yet, not even close.

3. Thinking through half-baked ideas but never putting them into action. I do this constantly and it's great fun. Passionate? yeah why not.

4. Telling people about really good films. I think I enjoy doing this more than actually watching the film in the first place.

5. Rotary engines. GEEEEEK! but trust me, they are cool.

6. Just fun in general really. Much preferable to, well, most things. Maybe this should be 'the pursuit of fun' instead.

7. erm... can I have Rachel again, I am really rather passionate about her after all.

8. I'll come back to this one, possibly.

8 things I want to do before I die:

1. Live quite a bit longer.

2. Build my own house with an interior balcony in the bedroom that opens out over an indoor swimming pool one floor below. Specific I know but I want what I want.

3. Spend a period of my life not having to worry about money.

4. Visit a good proportion of the countries of the world, I'm only on about 10 at the moment, and that's only if you count 3 Canary Islands separately.

5. Be my own boss.

6. Get something published. I genuinely don't care what it is.

7. Win a bloody climbing competition, don't ask.

8. Just before I die, change my will so that all my money gets left to a traffic bollard or something equally barmy. Although saying that, the way my mind wanders, I probably will be barmy if I live past about sixty five.

8 things I say often:

This changes quite often, and I tend to quote funny stuff from films and tv quite a lot, but right now it is:

1. Blimey

2. Aye Bambi

3. Hello beautiful.

4. wellll wellll welllll

5. Alright geezer (in dodgy cockerney accent)

6. Spider Dan, spider Dan.. (there is a whole theme tune, not made up by me I might add)

7. Slabby crack-crack (climbing related, not to do with narcotics abuse)

8. and a swear word to round it off, erm, I'll go for 'fucking cunty bollocks'

8 books I’ve read recently:

1. The Reality Dysfunction - Peter F. Hamilton

2. Fall of Kings - David Gemmell

3. at least six other David Gemmell books as I recently filled out my collection, so I'll mention a few interesting but not quite so recent books instead.

Breaking Vegas - Ben Mezrich (SP)

4. Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse - Robert Rankin

5. Anansi Boys - Neil Gaiman

6. Yes Man - Danny Wallace

7. Anything by Terry Pratchett

8. And anything old by Clive Cussler

8 songs I could listen to over and over:

1. The weird five beat to the bar song on 'Sea of the dying dhow' by Shels.

2. The whole Toxicity album by System of a Down (I can't just pick one)

3. Killing in the name by Rage Against The Machine

4. Walk by Pantera

5. Spread Love by Lenny Fontana

6. Blimey this is hard, erm, Weather Experience by Prodigy

7. Don't stop me now by Queen

8. Teardrop by Massive Attack

8 things that attract me to my best friend

1. She is also my (inverted commas) lover. Oh yes indeed.

2. Her complete lack of any crazy girlie type attributes. (Random strops, totally illogical arguments etc)

3. She is incredibly cool in all sorts of ways without even knowing it.

4,5,6,7 & 8. See 1, above

8 things I've learned this year:

1. Going out and getting drunk is fun, not scary.

2. 'Yes' is always considerably more fun than 'No', and a damn sight better than 'Maybe' too.

3. Blogging requires considerable commitment at times, much more than I thought it would.

4. Money really really isn't everything, it really isn't.

5. Just because you don't see someone as often as you used to, they are still just as good a friend as before.

6. I don't want to be a graphic designer.

7. Damn, I'm all out, seems I only learned 6 things this year, still, not bad going I reckon.

The Climbing Competition

Cor blimey have I ever been busy busy busy.
Still, not to worry, full report on the climbing comp to come I promise, stoopid t'interweb went down a couple of days ago otherwise I would have written about it sooner.

Just to quell the rising excitement, I came second overall, and I won one of the individual competitions too, which I was well pleased with.
A nice chap called Rich interviewed me for an article he is writing for his uni Journalism course, it may possibly get published in a climbing mag so that would be cool too.

So, yes, i will be back with more info soon, I was forced to go out partying last night for Hallowe'en ( I didn't want to I swear) dressed as Alex from A Clockwork Orange, and now I am a bit on the knackered side, so I'm off to Rachel's to make use of her excellent bed facilities. Night all.

Today I Was Mostly...

In a supervisory role at work.

As far as I can figure, this means I get to stand around and watch people do the work I would otherwise have to be doing myself.
I am apparently in no way obliged to lend a hand, indeed I would probably not be able to maintain my strict and total control of the situation if I were actually doing any work.

I was supervising one of our new guys while he got to grips with operating our full-colour digital printers, which will be his job for the foreseeable future. In what seems a bit of a blog tradition, I should give him some sort of code name instead of his actual name, I don't know why this is, but I'm willing to give it a try.
How about print-boy? hmm, smacks of half-assed superhero sidekick.
Oh sod it, let's call him Chris, you can pretend it's a code name if you really want to.

It seems the fact that I started using the printers about 3 days before he did, means I am qualified to teach him how to use them. The problem with what is essentially a £15,000 inkjet printer, is that it has about £15,000 worth of bits that can go horribly and expensively wrong, and with my 12 or so hours of crucial extra knowledge, I am supposed to be able to guide, ahem, "Chris" through all possible print-related pitfalls. I can't see it happening myself, but in my supervisory role, all I can do is sit back and hope nothing explodes and no small, essential parts of machinery ping off into the furthest corners of the room.

This has led me to conclude that another essential duty of a supervisor is to think of someone to blame when things go wrong.

I give Chris about 4 days*.


*Not really, he's a very nice bloke and I'm sure I won't be forced to fire him for at least a fortnight.

Good Things About Still Having A Cold

There are still none.

I haven't had one day off work (i'm so committed) and I still feel rubbish, where's the justice in that?

The climbing competition is on this coming weekend so I have bloomin' well better be better by then or I won't be best pleased.

Snot is not an aid to good climbing technique, apparently.

Good things about having a cold

.

..

...

Help me out here.

The Aimless Guide to Excruciating Pain

1. Get home and notice your chillies from your exceedingly hot, dead habanero chilli plant (R.I.P. Tim) lying on the shelf.

2. Decide to strip the seeds out, ready to plant them next year and grow lots of little Tim the 2nd's.

3. Complete your task and completely fail to wash your hands in any way.

4. Go for a pee.

5. Have a good old scratch around while you are there, it's the end of the day, you deserve it.

6. Wait 2 minutes

7. I don't need to draw you a picture. Inn fact I would refuse even if you asked nicely.

8. If you are not in enough agony, forget about the very recent discomfort you just endured, and rub your eyes after coming out of the shower.

I'll let you know when things aren't red and hurty any more.

Hurrah for Stress! (or lack thereof)

Today I am become Sign Maker, the maker of signs.

Not quite as poignant as the misquoted chap in New Mexico , but it's important to me.

Today marks my change in job position from graphic designer (stress stress stress and sitting down all day) back to sign maker (freedom to frolic amongst the self adhesive vinyls and worry about nothing more than what is for lunch and possibly whether I can scratch my balls without anyone noticing)

And considering I am on the same hourly rate whichever one I do, I know which one I'd prefer. (it's the sign making position, for those of you not quite up to speed, that's the better job)

So, yeah, I'm just dead chuffed really, and wanted to share the joy. Leave a comment and I will respond with joyful tidings and pleasantries, I'm that kind of guy.

Oh, and have another climbing picture, 'cos they are ace.

P.S. does anyone else notice that if you monkey about with posh stuff like links and pictures, it makes the formatting go all kooky? I wish I understood computers.

At the climbing wall...

Rich: "I can smell something funny around here, smells like fish."

Dandan: "That is the smell of fish."

Rich: "I wonder where it's coming from?"

Dandan: "It's coming from my bag."

Rich: "Why?"

Dandan: "Because my bag smells of fish."

Rich: "Ok, but why does it smell of fish?"

Dandan: "Because it's got fish in it."

Rich: "oh, right."

Well, you can't spend all night talking about overhangs and harnesses and the like.

Things You Never Wanted to Know and Didn't Ask #1

Why are light switches so small, when the surround they are mounted into is so big?

I Love Weekends

Obstinate Abstinence

I didn't eat any chocolate today.

This, in itself is no great achievement for me, I probably quite often go without eating chocolate for a whole day without even noticing.
The difference today is that I was offered some chocolate, and possibly for the first time in recorded history, I said 'no'. (I didn't literally just say 'no', that would be rude, I probably said something like 'no thanks, I'm off the chocolate, cheers anyway'. I'm quite polite in real life you know)

I'm training you see.

As you may or may not know (or care), I am a bit of a rock climber, and there is a competition on at my local wall at the end of the month. I decided I would enter it, and thought I could do a bit of training for the month leading up to it, just to give myself a little extra edge.

The problem with this is that I already climb regularly and pretty intensively, so the best aid I can give to myself is to alter my diet.
So I am cutting out the crap, albeit only for this month, and trying to balance my diet out to the best of my ability. This involves mostly guesswork if I'm honest.

Anyway, back to the point, I had to say 'no' to some chocolate today, because that is one thing that is most definitely not on my 'balanced diet' list, and I couldn't believe how difficult it was!
I'm lucky when it comes to digestion, I can eat a pound of butter fried in lard with a pint of grease to wash it down, and I never put on any weight, but consequently, I have never had to say 'no' to anything before.

I spent the afternoon fantasising about the chocolate bars sitting seductively in my desk drawer, I mean, look, I just used the would 'seductively' in relation to a cocoa based foodstuff!

I don't envy those people who do this all the time, and I certainly don't want to be strong enough to be like them and be able to say 'no' to stuff I want more often, saying 'no' is rubbish and denial is just not good for you.

I'm hoping I break my self imposed diet and pig out on the brown stuff soon, saying 'yes' is the way I like to do things, and I don't want to change just yet.

Fingers crossed for the competition anyway though.

Go easy please

Um, OK, for right or for wrong, for good or for bad, I just put up the first little bit of the novel I'd kind of like to write. It will be a heroic fantasy type of thing, but I hope to keep it at least slightly light hearted when appropriate.

You can find it here, Aimless Novel and if you can be arsed to read it, (it isn't very long) please go easy, it feels kind of odd to even put it up in public view.
It's kind of a prologue type bit, and I hope it kind of leaves you with an interest in finding out more. (wow, dandan has single handedly discovered 'the hook')

Well, enjoy, or don't I suppose.

R.I.P Tim

Get out your black suits and veiled hats, Tim is no more.

Somehow, and I have no idea how, (ahem) he contracted a severe case of 'Little-bugs-all-over-his-leaves-itis', and he was starting to turn yellow and manky, so I plucked his two fruits (are chillies fruits? vegetables I suppose) from his withering stem before they went manky too.

That as the last straw for poor Tim, with nothing left to live for, his babies torn mercilessly from his caring embrace (to go into my cooking pot), he gave up the fight for life. Bugs and manky leaves - 1 : Tim - 0.

He will be missed dearly, never again will I get to under or over water him on a regular basis, never again will I be able to forget about him for a whole week at a time, never again will his lack of apparent ability to produce any more than two chillies be a thorn in my side.


On a lighter note, me and Rach are going to put one of the habanero's into a curry, and I am going to dry the seeds from the other one, and grow Tim the 2nd next year!

So, coming soon:

Tim II - Ring of Fire
Just when you thought it was safe to take the toilet paper out of the fridge...

Two fingers to the Inevitable

I have some bad news.

I did something today that is a sure sign that I am getting older.

This is not good news.

I think Peter Pan had it pretty good, (not even counting the fact that he could fly, which is beyond enviable) never growing up sounds like a plan to me.
You think you will be able to grow older and retain your own sense of style and 'cool' (aargh, look, I'm even putting 'cool' in inverted comma's like I don't want people to think I would use it in a normal sentence, that wouldn't have happened 5 years ago) and most importantly, you think you won't end up like your parents, but you can't fight it, and it will happen.

Today I was thinking about my job, which I don't really like all that much and I would certainly rather be doing something more interesting and less stressful with a little over one third of my daily life, and I was wondering how I could get out of it, fast.
When I say fast, I don't just mean handing my resignation in, thereby generating 'the fear' which should spur me on to finding another, more interesting job while I serve my notice, (I have already proved that this does not work. January was a very lean month for me) I mean finding something that would enable me to quit, right now, and never go back.

My hot theory was to win the lottery, a tactic that could be called chancy at the very best, but then I thought maybe I could win something a little smaller, perhaps with some slightly better odds. I mean £3,000,000 would certainly see me off the 9-5 wagon for life, but even 10 or 20 grand might be enough for me to invest in something else I could do with my life, and allow me to quit my job right this second.

'Why not buy a few scratch cards' says my brain in a Jeremy Clarkson style inside my head (blame Kitchentable for that one) 'Or maybe play that deal or no deal online game you keep seeing advertised at the bottom of the MSN window, that thing looks like you are practically guaranteed to win tens of thousands of pounds'.

Now, here comes the bad bit, the indicator of impending oldness, the sign of the cardigans to come, the precursor to spending all day remembering when all this was fields, Here is what I did.

I ignored the voice.

I bloody ignored it, I thought to myself (in my own voice, not that of Jeremy Clarkson, he would have been straight down the casino, flipping chips onto the baize with reckless abandon) 'Nah, that's a stupid idea, I'll never win anything, and I can't afford to waste money on gambling'.

I'm so angry with myself, it starts with dismissing plainly idiotic ideas like trying to solve my financial problems by joining an online poker tournament, but who knows where it will end?

I might decide it is OK to think things like:

'No I can't possibly have a drink now, it's not even 10 a.m.'

or perhaps:

'this cartoon is rubbish, I wonder if the news is on'

or, no, it could never happen:

'yes, comfort is more important than performance when it comes to choosing a car'


Badly thought out actions are practically the essence of being young, I really don't want to lose that part of me.
Right, what's the address of that deal or no deal website...